jueves, 18 de julio de 2013

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’: A Glossary

You love Honey Boo Boo. I love Honey Boo Boo. We all love Honey Boo Boo—even though we can’t understand what she’s saying. Just in time for the show’s season premiere, a guide to what phrases like ‘beautimous’ and ‘cup-a-fart’ really mean.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which has its season premiere Wednesday night, is the kind of show that—though its stars are American-born and -raised and are, in fact, speaking English—requires subtitles for viewers to have any clue what, for the love of KFC, they are saying. Of course, the subtitles only do so much, as a large portion of their country-fried vocabulary is made up. Adorable, yes. Hilarious, yes. Surprisingly inventive, yes, even. But made up nonetheless.
Enjoy a highlight reel of Honey Boo Boo's most outlandish catchphrases.
(It’s not every day that the phrase “vajiggle jaggle” is used in casual conversation.)
Baffled as we may be by the talk, we obviously love it. Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, mother Mama June, dad Sugar Bear, and the rest of the Thompson brood are creatures as popular as they are fascinating and entertaining—a 2012 episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo outdrew coverage of that night’s Republican National Convention ... by double the viewers.
So as we gear up for yet another season of the show that began as a look at an aspiring young pageant queen and now chronicles the life of the royal family of cable reality TV (you better redneckonize!), here’s a helpful guide to their mystifying vocabulary:
barn (n.): Another word for the female body, as in, “Granted I ain’t the most beautimous out the box [see below], but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it’s brand new.”
Bam Bam look (n.): Walking around in public without shoes, as perhaps Bam Bam would in an episode of The Flintstones. Or as perhaps Honey Boo Boo would at a local grocery store or gas station.
beautimous (adj.): A synonym for pretty that combines the meanings of “beautiful” and “classy,” as in, “all that vajiggle jaggle [see below…or just use your imagination] is not beautimous.”
breakfast of champions (n.): Cheese balls.
big fenagly words (n.): Anything longer than four letters.
biscuit (n.): Well ... it’s a vagina. “It’s called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit.”
biscuit express (n.): The birth canal, according to Honey Boo Boo. “Baby Katilyn arrived on the Biscuit Express!” she exclaimed after becoming an aunt.
bisketi (n.): A gourmet dish that’s a favorite of the Thompson family. It is spaghetti tossed with ketchup. Who needs Ragu?
chicken-nugget power (n.): Honey Boo Boo’s fueled, derived from her lucky meal before beauty pageants.
cup-a-fart (n.): A secret move used by Alana when wrestling with her sisters. Shall I let her explain it? “You fart in your hand and throw it at your enemy’s face.”
Elvis (n.): A Christmas elf, as misinterpreted by Alana, who in one episode mistakes, “Elvis helps Santa Claus make toys.”
forklift foot (n.): An unenviable (and unofficial) medical condition. One time while at work, Mama June had a forklift run over her toe. Her foot, therefore, is now swollen and mangled and gross. It is a “forklift foot.”
frito feet (n.): Yet another unenviable (and unofficial) condition, it’s a description of the foul odor that can come from someone’s sweaty feet—perhaps after walking around with the “Bam Bam look.”
Glitzy (n.): Honey Boo Boo’s pig, a male, whom she tells, “We’re going to make you a pageant gay pig.” Why? Because as Miss Boo Boo says with almost shocking eloquence and acceptance about her gay Uncle Poodle, “Everyone’s a little bit gay.”
go-go juice (n.): A terrifying cocktail of Mountain Dew and Red Bull that Honey Boo Boo drinks before pageants.
Guess Whose Breath? (n.): A game, the rules of which are fairly obvious, that you should never ever play.
high-six (v.): How someone “high-fives” newborn Baby Kaitlyn, who has six fingers on one of her hands, as she was born with an extra thumb. But the family doesn’t look down on this abnormality. “I wish I had an extra finger. Then I could grab more cheese balls,” quipped a jealous Alana.
local department store (n.): The Wilkinson County dump (junkyard), near where the Thompsons live.
oohed (v.): Refers to when someone had a bowel movement, because pronouncing the “p” in front of the “oohed” is apparently too hard.
pageant crack (n.): The sugar candy Pixy Stix, a favorite of Alana’s, who downs a few before pageants for energy.
poop in a can (n.): What Honey Boo Boo calls a spray tan.
redneck air conditioner (n.): A towel soaked in cold water that you wrap around your head in hot weather to keep you cool.
Redneck Games (n.): A tournament that actually exists, the Redneck Games, as described by Mama June, “is a lot like the Olympics but with a lot of missing teeth and butt cracks showing.”
redneckonize (v.): A demand; a global plea; a guiding philosophy; a way of life. It’s used to command someone to pay proper attention to or give the proper respect to something, particularly when that something has to do with the Thompson family.
seximous (adj.): Sexy and classy, as in how Mama June plans to look after she loses weight. “People won’t be callin’ me Jahada the Hut, or whatever, Jah, or whatever, Jahooda, whatever. They’re gonna be callin’ me seximous mama, baby.”
smexy (adj.): Used by Mama June to describe what Sugar Bear looks like dressed in a Santa Claus costume.
vajiggle jaggle (n.): Unflattering rolls that appear in the lower gut of a woman, particularly if she is overweight and wearing unflatteringly skimpy clothing. And because it bears repeating: “All that vajjiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don’t see my shit hanging out ... not my three bellies.”

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